This blog has literally been months in the making, - it's taken me approximately 10 re-writes to get what I've posted below, and to be honest, I'm still not entirely happy with it. But I suppose it's better to post it as a work in progress than to post nothing at all!!!

Timing

Ironically, I never expected to wrestle with the ‘big things’ during my second trip to the Philippines. I suppose I figured I would have gotten all of those questions out the way during the first 30 years of my life, and that I could spend the next part of my life enjoying the knowledge that I was on the ‘right’ path. However - and I’m not sure if you’ve been able to experience this for yourself, but expectation has a nasty way of biting you in the ass, and this case has been no exception. To my credit, I did expect to wrestle with the not-so-big-questions – issues relating to the job, or to my personal life, but I’m afraid that I didn’t leave much room for the possibility of still being bogged down by the stuff that has you questioning your life, and re-evaluating all the ways in which you’ve been approaching it….

And what exactly is this big stuff that I’m talking about, you ask??? Well, to start, I had absolutely no idea how much my parents getting out the wine business would affect me. For those of you don’t keep up with Canadian business news, my parents are now neither involved with Vincor, Jackson-Triggs, nor Delaine Vineyards. The American wine giant that launched a hostile takeover of Vincor before Christmas came back with a higher offer this spring, and because it was much higher than the last one, the shareholders were fairly happy to sell their shares to the bidding company. Because the shareholders agreed to the new price offered, Vincor was sold to Constellation Wines within a matter of weeks. Further, because my parents’ vineyard had an exclusive selling contract with Jackson-Triggs, Delaine Vineyard ended up being thrown into the pot so as to avoid an uncomfortable selling arrangement with the new parent company. So, within a matter of a few weeks, not only were both of my parents out of the wine business, but they were also out of a job and essentially staring retirement in the face!

So why did this all of a sudden start me thinking about my own life? I suppose it was because I hadn’t realized exactly how much wine had shaped who I had become as a person. Just as large parts of my personality have formed in the gay ghetto, the electronic music scene, and on the West coast, so too has it formed growing up around wine. Not only were all of my summers in University spent working at the Wine Rack, but wine has also been present at every dinner, holiday, and celebration in my adult life. I realize that it’s strange to say it, but I didn’t grasp how much wine had shaped me as a person until its influence was essentially out of my life.

And so where has that left me? Well, it has certainly left me questioning things – about the private sector verses the voluntary one, and where I perceive there to be the most possible impact for my life. And what exactly do I mean by impact? Well, as many of you know, the reason that I decided to go into development was because I wanted to somehow create a counterbalance to all of the exploitation that is occurring on the planet. Why such a dramatic statement and strident goal? Because I honestly believe that if we don’t change the way in which we live and work, quite simply, our children and grandchildren’s futures will be at stake. And how does this relate to everything that’s been rolling around my head lately? Well, let’s just say that I’ve come to understand that neither international development nor the private sector (aka the wine business) is an inherently good (or bad) vehicle for positive change to occur.

For example, if Engineers Without Borders has taught me anything, they have made me realize that how one lives on a development placement is almost as important as the work that is being accomplished. This is because the lifestyle of many development workers overseas far exceeds their lifestyles in their home countries. Although I am representing the extreme case, many development workers employ drivers, maids, and rent houses in the most prestigious parts of town. Why is this so reprehensible? Well apart from the obvious fact of using public funds to support extravagant lifestyles, living like a Westerner in a developing country removes the development worker from the everyday reality in which he or she is working within. Because their reality is so different from those they are trying to reach, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to understand the nuances of the culture that they’re working in.

This is where it gets a bit fuzzy though: development workers draw upon the comforts of home because quite simply, it improves their ability to do their job! Working cross culturally can be emotionally exhausting and development workers prevent burnout by surrounding themselves in a familiar atmosphere – one with refrigerators that are never turned off, air conditioners that run 24/7, rides to work in private or project vehicles, stays in business hotel, and laundry done in automatic machines and dryers. In sum, Western development workers often retreat to what’s comfortable rather than trying to find local equivalents for the things that they have at home. Afterall, it's much easier to recreate your old life in a new place rather than to discover new ways of fulfilling old needs.

This all being said, I have also come to recognize that living the way that EWB prescribes is not sustainable. Because I am still single and don’t yet have any real life responsibilities (aka mortgage, ailing parents, etc), I can afford to live more in line with how everyday people in the Philippines live – taking Jeepneys and tricyles and not taxis, living in a rented room rather than in a furnished condominium, etc. I also recognize, however, that if my life ever changes (i.e. if I get married and have children, for example), that what was once a simple matter becomes a great deal more complicated. For instance, if I have children, will I want to live in an area of town that is ‘closer to the people’ or an area in which my children will be guaranteed of their safety? Will I send them to local school or send them to an International School where they can be sure to get a good education? Will I work in development for my entire life, only to come back to Canada at 65 without a home, savings, or retirement fund?

Added to these realizations about development have been my new reflections about the private sector, as spawned by my parents leaving the wine business. Granted, the private sector has certainly been responsible for the exploitation of much of the world’s social and environmental resources, but I’ve come to realize that if changes are made in the way that business is run – if it is made more accountable to the communities and environments in which it is operating – there is enormous potential for positive impact to be had. I should point out, that these ideas are by no means revolutionary; many thinkers and activists have been heralding ‘corporate social responsibility’ as an important mechanism for positive social change to occur. What is new, however, has been the idea that I could personally be apart of this process. As such, my childhood vilification of the private sector has subsequently matured into the understanding that positive change is neither the exclusive territory of either the private sector nor international development.

So as much as this understanding is at some points disheartening - I think it’s a lot easier to go through life thinking that one thing is inherently ‘good’ while others are inherently ‘bad’ – it is also empowering. It has made me realize that there’s opportunity to postively change things outside the international development sector. While all of you are gasping in shock at the mere suggestion of a career change, I should add that this doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m off the development track, but rather than I’ve opened myself up to more possibilities. I’ve realized that there are many ways in which to make a difference in one’s life, and as such, I’m content to do what I'm doing, but remain open to opportunities that I may have been closed to in the past.