Limbo, interrupted:

For almost an entire year, I have been preparing to leave. Prior to getting accepted as an EWB volunteer, I was essentially only half-home. Because I was so focused on my goal of getting another overseas position, I found myself almost in a state of limbo – not entirely laying down roots where I was, nor looking for alternatives elsewhere, whether it be working outside of my field, or seeking out new friends or relationships. Once I had been accepted as an EWB volunteer, however, it seemed as though my in-between status had finally been relieved.

Following the completion of Pre-Departure training at the beginning of February, however, I was once again thrust into a period of stasis. I had technically already said goodbye to my friends and family prior to the start of training, but now I was back at home for an undetermined amount of time. Since most flights to the Philippines were oversold as a result of Chinese New Year (people were finished visiting their relatives elsewhere and returning back home), both Sarah Grant (the Project Coordinator who I am working with for the next two months) and I would be stuck in Toronto until the organization was able to get a couple cheap flights out.

Not surprisingly, it was a very strange feeling to be back at my parent’s house and not know when I would be leaving. Further, because of this, I wasn't really able to make plans beyond the next few hours – whether it was reconnecting with friends, or going out for dinner with my parents, I was pretty much locked into the moment. As a result, I ended up spending the remaining time with my family and with people that I’d met during training. I should probably apologize at this point to those whom I didn’t get to see or talk to during my final days in Canada, but as you can probably imagine, my body and mind were definitely focused in a different direction. As a result, it was hard for me to continue to look back to those of whom I'd already said good-bye – doing so would’ve only made leaving more difficult.

In a very short period of time, however, my ‘it’s-still-so-damn-comfortable-to-be-Canada-state’, was almost forcefully interrupted. With an email and a phone call, I was on a plane in what felt like the snap of someone’s fingers. Even though I had been preparing for this trip for months, I still felt oddly caught off guard in the 48 odd hours prior to my departure. Perhaps it was last minute jitters, or some weird unresolved separation anxiety from friends and family. Regardless of the cause, however, it was all a bit unnerving.

And from here, I arrived into another girls’ life. Even though I lived in the Philippines for 9 months a year and a half ago, somehow everything felt different. For one, I was returning to the Philippines to replace someone. Not only was I the next EWB volunteer to work on the SCALA project, but I was also the next ‘Sarah’ to work here! (Ironically, there have been two other Sarah’s to work on the SCALA project over the past three years. I’m positive that our partner, the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD) must think that Canadians are completely incompetent when it comes to creatively naming baby girls!!!)

I think these feelings were also contributed to by the fact that I was also returning to a place that I had already gotten to know (likes, dislikes, people, food, places, etc.) I’m not sure if many of you have experienced this, but it is a really strange feeling to go back to a place that is already filled with memories, knowing that you will be soon leaving again. I know this sounds dramatic given that I won't be leaving for another 10 months, but it doesn’t change the fact that after my contract is finished, I will not be staying in the Philippines. Not surprisingly, this knowledge makes reconnecting with old friends an interesting exercise. With every interaction, there’s a definite joy in the meeting, but there’s also a nagging sense of decay and melancholy, however small that feeling may be…

Despite this oddity, it has nonetheless been great to reconnect with old friends. My former friends and colleagues from LGSP have been a wonderful support for me here, if only through the odd text message, dinner out, or strategic planning session. Indeed, it’s been definitely nice to know that they’re around. I haven’t been able to see as much of them as much as I used to, partly because I have been super busy settling in, orienting myself to the project and my new office, but also because I live in a totally different area of the city. As I said before, though, it’s been nice to know that they are there when I need them, and that I won't be alone when Sarah leaves in a few weeks’ time.

Not that I currently need their support though!! With Sarah Grant still here, I have certainly not been needing things to occupy my time. From setting up our little apartment, to making numerous trips to the visa office across town (almost an entire day affair!!), to visiting Computer Training centres around the country to orient myself on the project, to getting to know the DSWD staff, to devising strategic plans for the year, to taking Tagalog lessons once a week (the Filipino language), and to getting comfortable with my new life back in the Philippines, my days (and nights!), have certainly been full. If anything, my only complaint is that I have had little chance to reflect on what has happend over the past few weeks. Regardless, I am happy and looking forward to the next couple of months, with all of the challenges and joys they will bring.

The Training house:

In all honesty, I thought that I would intensely dislike having to live in cramped quarters with 9 other overseas volunteers for the entire duration of my Pre-departure training. I’m sure that part of this was due to the fact that I already lived in Toronto, and as a result, I didn’t see the point of sharing bunk beds with a whole bunch of other kids from across the country. Granted, I was told that this was an important means for building group cohesion, and that trust needed to be built between EWB and us overseas volunteers, blah, blah, blah, but seriously! ( Let's just say I wasn't entirely sold on the whole idea...) Despite all of my reservations, however, I made the decision to be positive and to make the best of the situation.

What I couldn’t predict, however, is how much I would actually enjoy the experience; I had absolutely no idea of what a pleasure it would be to live with the other 12 volunteers in a overfilled 2 bedroom house. Granted, there were elements of living in the house that I didn’t always enjoy, including the need to share 2 bathrooms with 15 other people (at our highest count), nor the constant state of quasi-messiness that abounded as a result of so many shoes, jackets, papers, and belongings all being stored together in the same place. Regardless of all of these daily irritations, however, my experience ended up being immensely positive.

You may be asking yourself why I experienced such as turnaround in sentiment. Well, the answer is actually quite simple. If I took anything away from living in that house, it is that beautiful things happen to you when you challenge yourself to live outside your comfort zone. When you challenge yourself to do things that may not necessarily fit within your usual means of thinking, acting, and reacting, you not only give yourself an opportunity to learn, but you also give yourself a chance to find your own strength. And while this happened on a fairly small scale in the house, it probably prepared us better for living overseas than any component of the actual training did.

Granted, the living situation in the house may not have required the other participants to stretch themselves as much as I was made to. Living in the training house required me to make some pretty substantial adjustments. As many of you know, I am a fastidious person. Thanks to my parents’ influence, I tend to like things neat. I also like my own space. I like structure, but I also like to be free to enter into that structure on my own terms. I don’t like being manoeuvred into situations, and I certainly don’t like being told what to do! (Old habits die hard, eh mom!) Funny thing is, is that I usually tend to these character traits when I’m most uncomfortable in situations – when things are new, when I’m feeling timid, when I’m lacking confidence, or when I’m scared. So why was it that I ended up giving up all of these old standards?

I suppose for a number of reasons… As I mentioned before, I made the decision that training would be a positive experience, so as much as there were things that were irritating to me, I decided to push myself, and to try and enjoy things that I might not have previously enjoyed. I allowed myself to fully embody the experience, and as a result, many of those little irritations just fell away into insignificance. Further, by allowing myself to be challenged, I ended up gaining so much more in return: a lovely new set of friends; a multitude of late-night giggle sessions; an ability to appreciate "organic" decision-making processes; a variety of collective and creatively-made meals; memories of late-night sing-songs, hacky-sack sessions, paper-shredding, and puddle-jumping; a left-brained perspective; a new view of my old town; and a renewed desire to continue learning about development and my place within it.

Pre-departure training was obviously not, however, just about living in the training house. Indeed, the training house was where (you guessed it!) we participated in a number of training sessions to prepare for our overseas placements. For me, it served the additional purpose of allowing me to get to know EWB and their approach. (Every organization approaches development in a slightly different way, which is probably why poverty still exists – no one can agree on how exactly the ‘problem’ should be framed, nor how it should be solved. This ambiguity is why working in development is such a challenge. There aren’t any easy answers, and no one can really say that their 'answer' is better than anyone elses.)

So what did we end up doing for almost a month? Besides heading to the organization’s annual conference and Annual General meeting for about a week (quite an EVENT – over 500 engineering students or full-fledged engineers brought together from across the country to learn more about development and how technology can be used to reduce the poverty of the South through sessions lead by EWB volunteers and practitioners/academics in the field), we stayed in the house and learned. We read a bunch of case studies, discussed a number of ideas and frameworks, disagreed on a fairly regular basis, took things a bit too personally, and finally after more discussion and constructive feedback, we came to a place of mutual respect. Even though it was not always a comfortable setting to learn in (not because the material was particularly difficult, but because the material will always be difficult), it nonetheless allowed for great learning to happen – more of it in the soft skills category than any other. After all, if we are able to live outside our comfort zone, create a safe place for learning, and challenge ourselves to listen to feedback and incorporate it into our personal practice and approach, we are much better prepared for the challenges of overseas work than any framework will ever provide us.

Running-into-each-other-Themes:

I’d thought that I’d begin this blog by sharing the horoscope that I read just after starting Pre-departure training with Engineers Without Borders Canada at the beginning of January. I know that many of you might not put too much credence towards horoscopes (and to those who read them), but please keep your sighs of exasperation at bay until you’ve actually finished reading it. For those of you who know me very well, you cannot deny its uncanny appropriateness to both my current situation and my previous struggles. It’s both strange and intriguing how something so generic could somehow describe my wishes, fears, and challenges for the following year, all within a single paragraph. So with that, I give you Rob Brezny’s reading for the first week of January 2006 (and his subsequent fire-lighting under my ass):

I’m hoping that in 2006 you will work your ass off with great ingenuity – not just at your job, but in every area of your life. Do you have it in you to break all your previous records for brilliant diligence? Are you willing to summon fierce discipline and crafty willpower not only to pump your career ambitions, but also to refine your approach to intimacy and increase your command over your own emotions? Are you finally ready to master all the excruciating but crucial details you’ve always avoided? If so, you could generate years’ worth of blessings.

Word!! And from there, where do I begin with this whole blog business?? Well, I think that part of the reason I’ve had such a hard time getting it started (apart from the lack of internet access and limited funds), is because I just haven’t had any clue about where to begin… SO much has happened since I started training almost 6 weeks ago, and as a result, it’s been really hard to nail down and articulate the thoughts and ideas before the experience has gone and mutated into something else. Because I’ve been experiencing so many ‘big’ things right after one another, they’ve all started to meld into one enormous experience...with numerous 'themes' turning into one gigantic mass of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. That said, I’ll try and do my best to compile a retrospective account of the past 6 week’s ebbs and flows...